Life Sans Alcohol

I've been nearly off the wagon since July, an astoundingly long period of time considering a lifetime of love for the wine, beer and hard liquor.

I knew that when I started 20/20, I would need to give up alcohol, at least for the short term. I somehow thought that I could work it in at some point, but it turns out that when you're watching your calories and your protein/carb/fat ratios and your time is being spent doing the 20/20 stuff and you're exercising 6 days a week, well, there isn't much room or energy for alcohol. A sad state, considering the wonder associated with those empty calories.

That's not to say I've been completely dry - I've had a few drinks along the way. A glass of champagne at Carrie's in July to celebrate her new job. A glass and a half of wine and a half of glass of champagne at Richard and Melissa's wedding. A glass of wine after Hump. A half of chocolate martini at Pete's house. A glass of wine in the middle of a stressful research project. Most recently, last weekend, two glasses at dinner with Nilay and two glasses the next day at the Big Game party. Oh, and a few sips of others' drinks along the way. Needless to say, I've turned into a big ol' lightweight. Two glasses and I am d-r-u-n-k. Seriously, did any of you ever expect that?

I didn't really miss alcohol in the beginning. My meals were weird, I was adjusting to the diet and the lifestyle, and I was just fine. And since starting, with about two exceptions, I've never really missed beer or hard alcohol, even my beloved Sierra Nevada or greyhounds. (This points to some changing dietary tastes, another topic).

But wine...oh, I've missed wine, my friend. This desire for a glass of wine kicked in once my meals seemed to be a bit closer to what I considered "normal", when I really felt like I was in control of my food choices to a greater extent. And wine is almost always complimentary to a great meal - the right glass of wine brings out the best in food. There have been more than a few meals when I've thought "wow, this is fabulous. If only I had a glass of wine to go with".

Despite this, I've been ok with life sans wine. But there have been periods when I've swung to the opposite end, when I've been angry that I "couldn't" have a glass of wine. A very stressful October just pushed me into a zone...I desperately wanted wine, viewing it as one of the only stress relievers I had left to pull in my life. Regardless, with one exception, I still chose not to drink, which considering my history, is a huge change (note that I did not say that I "resisted", rather "chose". Think about that).

As I've learned about food and its relationship to my body, I've figured out that alcohol has had two major, interrelated impacts. First, the empty calories do count for something (as hard as it is to acknowledge that alcohol is calories)...and drinking never helps anyone's weight. From a scientific level, I also figured out that once alcohol carbs hit my system, it caused a chemical reaction that well, created a desire for more alcohol and (ironically) more food. So having a late afternoon beer, and then a pre-dinner glass of wine kicked off a chain reaction of more wine with dinner and overeating. Second, alcohol functions as a depressant, and in my system, it almost always creates feelings of exuberance and happiness. If I'm bored or lonely or happy or sad, alcohol almost always makes me feel better, happier. I've almost always been a happy drunk, and really, alcohol helped me avoid some of my problems. Both - the calories/chemical reaction and positive stimulant - worked together quite nicely to maintain my BMI at an "obese" level.

So it's not surprising that I've been addressing a few issues with my therapist.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to reaching my goal and completing 20/20. I have figured out how to bring wine (and others) back into my diet and my life in a much saner, reasonable way. It's an important part of my life that regardless of all that has happened and that I've learned, I'm just not ready to give up. After all, the great muse Homer Simpson once said "Here's to alcohol, the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems". Sage words, indeed.

The Bones

The changes have been dramatic, or at least, that's what others tell me. Really, most of the time I have a hard time seeing a difference. But there are moments when suddenly, clearly, I am acutely aware that something is different. I've caught glimpses of myself in a mirror when I'm surrounded by people, and will pause and think "wait, I'm which one?" Sometimes, I feel as if my body occupies a different dimension and space. Chairs that I regularly sit in - like my office chair or the standard conference room chairs - have begun to fit different. The aisles of an airplane are a bit wider, the seats a bit roomier, but still, just as uncomfortable.

Mostly, I am now acutely aware of my bones, not in the "time for the chiropractor" way, but in how they seem to poke out in places that I never expected. About 2 -Ohm months ago, while taking a shower, I was surprised to feel my front ribs. A few weeks later, while talking to Hilary in her office, I reached around to scratch my back and exclaimed "oh my goodness, I feel back ribs!" My hip bones are pokey. My collar bones stand out. And my spine seems to float dangerously close to my skin.

Will my bones miss the comfortable layer of protection? More importantly, can any of these pokey bones be used as a weapon?